So just to sum up yesterday; I became spontaneously neurotic and battled intermittent bouts of anxiety until the early hours. Sleep had become redundant and a deep and irrelevant level of serious doubt about the future set in. What is the deal with back to work blues? Two weeks off for Christmas and I felt like I was ready to give up on everything. It was such an over powering and pointless feeling. Its times like that which really make me doubt my sanity, giving me all the more reason to be anxious. So I thought to hell with this, I’d get an early night so I could be bright eyed and bushy tailed tomorrow. It was a good plan but totally ineffective. I laid waiting for the night to end, only to decide enough was enough, there would soon be alarms and a painfully forced departure from the land of nod anyway. So I elected to drag my sorry carcass into what could only be described as… the night, yes it was still the fucking night! The morning is supposed to be bright and fresh, well I might as well of been launched into the armpit of Satan. I hadn’t seen 6:00am for more than two weeks and even one of my eyes had rebelled against this and decided to deny me my sight! After regaining my sight, some pure will power, porridge and coffee I was able to leave the restless abode and plunder nervously into my first day back after Christmas.
I don’t know what I was expecting of today but that would have been a pointless venture nevertheless. Foresight for today was like peering into a void, hence the anxiety… and please bare in mind the last time I saw my colleagues I was horrendously, I mean tragically drunk! Apparently I was climbing over tables, jumping in puddles, I called a teacher a prick and the next day I had some savage bruises. This might not sound bad but I am nearly 30 and I work in a school. It’s just a good job the principle had gone home already! Anyway, I’d been regretfully early for the bus this morning as it was so cold, but on the plus side my monthly bus fayre had been reduced by four pounds. The bus took almost an hour and made me late. It did however provide enough time for one of my colleagues to fill in the blanks of my drunken escapades before Christmas. We arrived at work in the middle of a meeting, not thinking to apologise and pulling a face like a kid caught stealing from the fridge at night; at this point from behind me (I’m trying to sneak in, in crouch mode and wearing a significantly orange jacket!) she apologises and puts me to shame. Damn you Monday! After releasing the awkward turtle and telling everyone how much wonderful nothing I did over the holiday it was time to remember what I was doing there in the first place… I wasn’t there for long before I discovered that it was not only myself that failed to sleep and suffered anxiety last night. There are more like me, my normality had been confirmed I need not worry today.
A point on no longer being a smoker: Getting on the bus after work smelled like I’d blanketed myself in a chain smokers net curtains! Did I smell this bad five days ago?.. no body answer that. I would really like to refrain from being hypocritical but the degree to which my sense of smell has returned has been very unexpected. It has in fact been fairly distracting also!